Sometimes, Life is Tough

Depression is a very real, very painful, thing.

Approximately 121 million people around the world suffer from some form of depression, and that number goes up by about 20% with each passing year.

And I’m one of those people

It’s not something I usually come out and just opening say. But I’ve had this problem for a very, very long time. So when I saw this post while scrolling through Tumblr the other day, it really hit home. Depression doesn’t always start with some sort of traumatic event. I started having problems when I was a young teen, before nothing worse than just being a teen had happened to me. But those were some of the worst days of my life.

To openly confess, as a young teen, I used to be a cutter. I would cut my wrists, my hands, my arms and my legs. I even still have some scars from those days. There are people who would say “oh, people who cut themselves just do it for attention”. But most people who cut themselves do it in places you won’t see. You’d never know. I would wear long sleeved shirts, or those gloves with the fingers cut off, anytime I did this to myself. It wasn’t for attention. It was to feel.

One of the worst parts about suffering from depression for me is the inability to feel anything, or sometimes, feeling too much. Life itself just feels empty, worthless. Like there’s no point. That can feel either overwhelming or underwhelming. Sometimes both. The other thing was hating myself. From a young age, I never appreciated myself, was never happy with myself. Cutting was a way to distract from all of that. To give me something to feel that was real, that I could focus on. A way to punish myself. But there was a time when even that wasn’t enough.

I always joke that the reason most allergy medications don’t work for me is because I’m just allergic to everything. While that sometimes seems true, it’s not the whole truth. As another confession today, I’m going to admit that when I was younger, I tried to kill myself .

Now, I know that I wasn’t very serious about this. Because, instead of doing something I knew would work and “end all the pain”, I instead reached for a bottle of allergy medication that I used to take (I have no idea what it was). I proceeded to take every pill I had. And then went off to school for the day.

It makes no sense. It really doesn’t. I still to this day couldn’t tell you what in the world I had going on in my head that day. But an hour later I started going through hell. I was outside in the field with my best friend and a guy that I was interested in, but was too young to be in any real relationship with. They got me to confess what I’d done, and then to vomit all my misery back up. It was horrible, and I remember it surprisingly well. I didn’t feel right for about a week.

I will never be able to thank those two people enough for what they did, and even more for never mentioning it again. I’ve never had a low like that in my life again. I’ve had plenty of moments when I thought “what’s the point” or “will this ever get better” but never to the point that I considered doing anything like that again. I had a therapist for a while. Thought it would help. Sometimes, therapy just isn’t the right answer though.

I’ve been having another episode of depression that I’ve been fighting for about a week now. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to see how much depression can really affect my life. When it happens, nothing feels okay. My health seems to decline, even if just slightly. All my energy goes out the window. Nothing is appealing. I wake up and struggle to get out of bed, which results in me almost being late to work for about a week. Work drags me down and the little things that people say to me hurt even when they shouldn’t. Little jokes, or even when my boss says “Smile!” with a smile on his face. It hurts. Honestly I feel like the worst thing you can say to someone who’s in the midst of a round of depression is to smile… Because we can’t! I have neither the want nor the energy to try and smile, even when I know it would help. Then I come home. I don’t want to cook or clean or do anything. There have been plenty of nights when I’ll come home from work, feed my cats, and just cry or go to bed. Just to repeat it all over again.

That is my life when I’m suffering from depression. Sure, sometimes things will happen throughout a day that may make me smile or laugh, but it’s just as fleeting as a smell on the wind. It comes and then goes, and I’m right back to my thoughts and feelings. And nothing feels right again.

I have yet to find that one thing that just cures my depression and makes things better again. But I have found some things that help:

~ Reading a book ~
~ Listening to upbeat or dance music ~
~ Yoga, meditation, or working out ~
~ Working on a hobby, like art ~
~ Getting outside, whether it’s sunny or rainy ~
~ Visiting with friends ~
~ Blogging! ~

The biggest thing is to realize that you’re not alone and that you can beat this. Which I know, are the hardest things to convince yourself of when you’re wallowing in the darkness. I discovered on Tumblr, if you search for “depression”, you’ll get this:

And it honestly made me cry. It’s such a beautiful thing, and it’s so small. But it’s so supportive, and that’s exactly what people like me need when we’re in pain. Support. Love. Understanding. That’s the biggest one, understanding . The worst part about how many people try to help those who are hurting is to say something along the lines of “everything is okay/fine”.

It’s clearly not!

We don’t want to hear that everything is okay. At least I never did. I would much prefer someone who’s willing to hear everything I have on my mind and then say “Yeah, that’s all sh*t. But you’re such a strong person to deal with it all and not give up”.

Support and Understanding.

So I’d like to end this with support. If you’re reading this and you know exactly how I feel or what I’m going through because you yourself are going through the same things, I want you to know that you are NOT alone. Life sucks. It’s hard, unpleasant, and cruel. And coping with it can be just as hard. But if you’re here, and you feel like you have no one to talk to or that no one understands you, I want you to know that you can contact me, and we can talk. About whatever you want. Whether you need an understanding ear, or someone to help distract you. Send me an email, and I’ll help in whatever way you need/I can. Maybe we can game together or something.

Cheers!✌